I find myself in an odd mood today. I have been looking through the work of some of my fellow students back in Coventry and suddenly had a feeling of guilt. The guilt stems from my lack of progress with a professional attitude and or presence with regard to my photographic practise. To name a couple, my friend and 3rd year undergrad Dorrell Merritt who recently was published in ‘Dazed and Confused’ magazine (visit his website here.) and a first year Alex Mason who has been increasing his professional portfolio with musicians like Ben Howard and Kasabian. I know Dorrell works very hard and has done for the two years I spent with him at university, and I’m sure Alex has the same drive in the pursuit of his professional career as a photographer.
The question I find myself asking today is, ‘when did my drive leave?’ I love photography and from the start I was proactive in making contacts initially around the university and then further afield, partly for work, partly to spread my name around, and it worked. I secured numerous jobs in and out of the university through word of mouth. Recently though my aspirations have dwindled somewhat with regard to my photographic career. I was always interested in travel, seeing new cultures and places is how I envision the next years of my life, and the plan was to incorporate photography into this as a ticket or money maker. I don’t know what has happened over the past few months but I just don’t see myself in that way. Photography is something that I will always have and will always do, but, for the present time anyway, not necessarily a career choice.
Maybe it’s the fear of narrowing myself into one line of work, maybe I just got lazy. I have always worked hard at what I do and possibly this feeling has come about because of my distance from the course and my involvement with different work here in Sweden (which was never the intention). The work I am doing here was meant to augment my story telling abilities learnt at Coventry and it is, I just need to get back into the swing as it were.
My cameras have been collecting dust a little since being here, mostly because of the intensity of the courses I am taking and because (maybe this is a bad thing for a photographer… I don’t think so) I needed a break from looking through my view finder. I always find myself in the predicament of photograph or take part. Often is the case when a photographing opportunity arises that I have to choose to take part (for an example jumping off a waterfall) or photograph the event. Another thing I have learnt to love from being involved with photography is to just enjoy a moment. A good example is my recent trip to Estonia across the Baltic. We were on the deck of the ferry having some drinks and the northern lights were lighting the sky off the stern of the boat. It was an amazing experience and a rare time that I did not have a camera around my neck. Instead of rushing back to my cabin and grabbing my camera i opted instead to stay and just enjoy the moment. It is an experience that will stay with me always, regardless of my lack of photographs.
I think it is important as photographers to let go sometimes and just enjoy the world with your own eyes and not through a lens. I met an american guy here in Karlstad, a student from Georgia, who was big into photography. He didn’t study it academically but always had a camera with him, constantly taking photo’s of everything. One thing he could not understand was the fact that even though I was a photography student he would take more photographs than me. Maybe my teachers back home would scorn me for it but I feel I have reached a point that unless I have a specific idea/project/aim, whatever you want to call it, I don’t feel the need to take photo’s. I often do, just for the sake of taking photo’s as I enjoy it, but I have learnt to enjoy things without it.
I was going to write that it feels as though I have lost my drive or desire but I do not think this to be true. Even as I write this I am becoming more excited by my photographic existence. I think I am at a point where I am reinventing what photography means to me and what it means for me professionally speaking. I consider myself a story teller first and foremost, photography is one of my tools and my time here in Sweden is giving me even more tools. I don’t know where this is all going, but that’s the exciting part.
Know what you mean.
At late seeing all these people on twitter and facebook doing this that and the other with their careers makes you think that you are not doing enough or something since it seems some people are getting more out of it.
I too feel the lack of drive at the moment and seem to have more interest else where, although photography was always an interest it was never meant to be a career as such thats changed so many times over the years, car design -> architect -> product design -> photography and now through this course other areas like being some kind of entrepreneur (laughable i know)
Sooner or late you’ll get back in the game and you should come in and see a class or two if the lecturers allow to see if interest re sparks or find new projects. (if your still around in Feb and in Cov, 9th is our symposium, 10:00)
Hope the rest of Sweden and your travels go well.